Well... Alrighty Then

I made the decision a couple of weeks ago not to worry about my diet until after February 1st, when my attacker's trial is scheduled to begin. While I am sincerely committed to taking better care of my health, I know myself well enough to know that when I am as stressed-out as I am right now, my appetite goes to pot and I really need to eat what I want when I want. Not a healthy way to live your life, I know, but I'm not going to kick myself for it this time. I make no apologies for how anxious I am right now.

In the last week or so, I have been besieged by people commenting on how good I look and how proud they are of me for my weight-loss journey. I've been stymied, because I haven't been paying one bit of attention to what I'm eating. If I want frosted sugar cookies for dinner, I'm eating frosted sugar cookies for dinner. Or conversation hearts. Or whatever the heck crosses my mind.

So imagine my shock to step on the scale this morning and discover that I've actually lost 3 pounds in the past 2 weeks, which bring me to 9 pounds total. Not where I'd hoped to be 6 weeks into my challenge to myself, but all things considered, I'll take it.

And, as soon as we go to trial, I'll jump back on the wagon.

Tonight, I will eat cheese with wasabi mustard for dinner. :)

It's Not a Set-Back...

Another week of careful, thoughtful, healthy eating and near-daily work-outs = weight loss. That's the equation, right?

Not necessarily.

I almost cried when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that the number hadn't budged. I thought to myself "You've GOT to be kidding me! All that meal-planning and portion control and not overindulging when I went out for sushi with friends and I didn't lose a single pound? What the heck is going on?!?"

And then I thought about it for a second, and I realized exactly what the heck is going on. Not only am I working out, which means I'm adding muscle mass, but I'm a woman. And women often tend to fluctuate in weight - and by "fluctuate", I mean "gain" - at certain times of the month. And I'm a salt-craver during that TOM - I've been eating healthy, but I've also been eating salty, especially the past couple of days.

So, instead of beating myself over the head about a plateau, I'm just going to stick with the healthy eating and daily exercise. Next week's weigh-in should be a better one.

Couch-to-5K: Am I Out of My Ever-Loving Mind?

When people ask me if I run, I always give them the same response: Not unless I'm being chased.

So why the hell am I considering training for a 5K run?

I have really been enjoying working out these past couple of weeks. I am a BIG fan of anything involving punching and kicking - it's a great way for me to get out some of the stress of the impending trial, crappy health insurance, and looming tax bill and unemployment. And unleash some of the EPIC rage I have for my rapist and some of the other rape-related bull-poopy. But I am also really enjoying the running part of the program. And it's not killing my knees like I expected it to.

Thanks to a thread that got going on my cousin's Facebook page the other night, I heard about a website called Cool Running, which in turn has a page called "The Couch-to-5K Running Plan". You can find it at www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

And I said to myself "5K really isn't that far. I bet if I put my mind into it and got into better shape, I could totally run a 5K."

So now I'm thinking about research running shoes, because I don't have any (the photo above is of my new walking shoes.) Frankly, I've never NEEDED running shoes, because I wasn't running anywhere. And I'm not completely positive my knees are physically capable of running a 5K, because to be frank, they kind of suck.

But I'm willing to give it a try. I'm not going to start training until after the trial - I've got WAAAAAAAY too much to do between now and then, and I'd definitely break training during the trial. But I'm going to keep working out and eating better and taking care of myself - I'm being kind of selfish right now, but that's what I need to do, because I know myself well enough to know that unless I take good care of myself, I'm going to be a bigger neurotic mess than normal by the time we go to trial.

So stay tuned!

The Day My Wii Avatar's Butt Got Smaller

I cried when I weighed in tonight: in 3 weeks, I have managed to drop 6 pounds.

During those 3 weeks, I:

* received, 2 days before Christmas, a subpoena to testify against my rapist
* stressed about how on Earth I was going to afford to go to the trial
* stressed about how on Earth I was going to pay off the massive bill I incurred to be diagnosed with Lyme Disease, because my crappy health insurance plan sucks
* stressed about being rejected - yet again - for better health insurance coverage because of injuries I sustained during the rape
* stressed about the fact that, unless I find a job before my fellowship ends, I will be unemployed 209 days from today
* mourned the fact that this is the first Christmas I have ever lived without any of my grandparents being alive.

But during those 3 weeks, I also:
* celebrated Christmas and New Year with friends... and didn't deprive myself one bit
* worked out all but 2 days from 12/23/10 until today... and I only took those days off because I was in pain - my neck, which was injured during the attack, is not altogether pleased with my current level of physical activity - and knew I needed to give my body a chance to heal
* was blessed to be offered a place to stay during the trial - a place that is FREE and SAFE
* was blessed to have a fellow survivor - whom I have never met other than through an online survivor's network I joined - offer to host a benefit to help me pay for expenses I will incur during the trial
* was blessed to be offered several opportunities to speak out as an advocate for sexual assault victims' rights as soon as my case goes to trial.

When I stepped on my Wii balance board (which I use to track my weight loss) tonight and saw that I have lost 6 pounds - and watched my avatar's butt shrink a little - I sat down on the floor of my living room and cried. I truly, truly want 2011 to be the year that I finally stop making excuses and start taking back as much of my pre-attack life as I possibly can (which includes getting back into shape). I truly, truly want to be thriving, in every way, and not just surviving. And I truly, truly think I have finally found the strength to do just that.